stophatingyourbody: Hello. My name is Cass, and...

28th February 2012

Hello. My name is Cass, and I am really nervous about submitting this. I have always had a terrible body image. At 16, I weighed almost 400 lbs at 6 ft tall. I felt like a giant. That changed very quickly later on that year when depression hit. I was realizing I was gay and pretty much stopped eating. I became withdrawn, would go for walks/runs during dinner, and hated myself. With in 3 months, I went from 382 lbs to 291 lbs, and in the following months lost another 20. At 6 feet tall, 260-270 is not as big as you’d think. Due to my extreme weight loss, my mom confronted me about my behaviors. She was worried about possibly drug use. I ended up yelling that I was gay and crying a whole lot. Coming out relieved the pressure that kept me from eating.

I am now 22. Since I was 16, I gained a lot of the weight back. Last summer I was back up to about 330. After my ex and I broke up, I fell into a summer of self destruction. I was drinking, doing drugs, and on one night, I slit my wrists. Looking back, all of that seems crazy, now. I got past most of those things, but have been carrying one problem with me. In August, I started purging. There was so much changing around me, and I needed control. I though I had control. Slowly, it has taken over my life. I went from being out going, social, and busy to withdrawn, self conscience, and weak.

I have lost 70 lbs from my eating disorder, and to me, it is not worth it.
I miss the person I used to be and have recently decided to get her back.

Bulimia hurts. You can only hide it for so long. Around November, all of my friends figured it out. I hate worrying them, so I pushed many of them away. My teeth are becoming transparent around the edges. My gums hurts. I constantly have blisters in my mouth. The only relief is sucking on cough drops. When I actually want to eat and digest food, I have to concentrate on keeping it down, because it always feel like it is wanting to come back up. My throat hurts. I am physically weak and pale most of the time. Plus, throwing up 4-6 times a day is time consuming and painful.

In December, I started talking to friends about it. They are very supportive, and talking actually helps. Yesterday, I called a therapist I used to go to and scheduled an appointment.

I took this picture last night and I feel like (In spite of the fact that it is blurry) that I am actually seeing my real body size.

My body is not disgusting, and it does not deserve the damage I have done to it. I am ready to shut this voice in my head up and see myself as the beautiful person that I am.

BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!